||[Jul. 4th, 2005|11:46 am]
i promised myself i would never put myself in a situation where i'd feel like i wanted to write about this again.|
but i did.
it's the same old bullshit, over and over again. and it makes me think this time. yeah, i got angry...there's nothing new with that. yeah i yelled and threw some shitty names around, that i probably should have thought twice about. but then i think about it more. and i was upset last nite. not upset, more angry. but i expect it so much now, that i don't get as upset. which is so unhealthy.
you're a big boy, you make your own decisions. and if they don't involve me at all anymore, there's nothing i can do about it. i'm a fucking pro at losing and gaining friends. i should be used to it by now. and i'm really kind of proud that more than half of me accepts the fact that we just can't do it anymore. if in your heart, there's no time for me...then it's just not going to work, this whole simply being friends thing. which is ridiculous, because it doesn't take much, and i lowered my expectations to friggin ground level lately...but if that's the way it's going to be, i'm okay. because it's not always going to be on your time, and when you want to hang out and be friends. when you come back around, i'm not going to be able to say anything this time, because you said it all.
and it's fucking crazy that the one girl in the whole world that i would not expect to leave me a message apologizing for what i probably felt like last nite makes me think even more that this really is the right decision for me. and i say it all the time, i say it's over. but a girl can only take so much. we're going on five years of being blown off and fucked over, and i can finally look at you with my head up and say it's over, it has to be this time.
with every goodbye, you learn.